Wisdom is old

/
Anger is the thread that runs the wool
my existence is the led that weights the fool
life is the joke that laughs the belly
instinct has to poke and spread the jelly
fellow men ride but they know the game
I play the tide and stay away from same
so rules I knew I signed the line
the soul once flew but the piper's fine
it's the one cost you can't avoid
lives are lost and men are toyed
the last is here so walk the edge
the thoughts are fear so take the pledge
against the net swim the channel
take the bet and loose the flannel
your movement heats and looses cold
feels like cheats but wisdom's old

Hell's ocean to heaven

/
Still, months later, hours after, years, days, they have all blended into one. Just one big heap into nothingness and depression. Just one long day of misery. What the fuck is my head telling me? On top of that I have these hours of sublime bliss where it feels like life could never be better. Actually it feels like I've reached light at the end of the tunnel and it will only get better from here on out. But that goes away eventually.

Mid life crisis? Panic disorder? Borderline? Manic depressive?

All of the above sprinkled with egomania and a heavy dose of self centered neurosis.

Why am I going down this negative path? It's beyond insightful. It's beyond self awareness. In fact it probably isn't self awareness at all. Just because I keep thinking that I'm fucked isn't helping anyone, definitely not me.

I set out on this writing journey because I wanted the Gods to whisper inspiration into my ear. I wanted to make contact with my muse. The problem is I don't think think my course is set for the goddesses in the heavens. I'm hanging out with serious demons. I'm surrounded. Maybe I've been in hell all along. Maybe the only way to the muses is through hell. It's like crossing an ocean. Maybe I'm halfway across the ocean. The ocean of fire. When you're halfway to heaven sailing the fiery oceans of hell there's no reason to turn back. Maybe the middle of hells ocean is the worst it can get. Maybe it will get a little better each time. I'm still sailing even though the winds have not moved my sails very far in that last months. I still move a little every day.

The funny thing is I'm not funny. I set out to meet the goddess muses because I wanted to put together my comedy act. I haven't been able to write anything funny. It's mostly just been about the voices in my head.

Well I'm sure this entry makes no sense to anyone but somehow I feel a little better. I really hope I am in the middle of hells fiery ocean on the way to heaven. That thought makes me feel better because it implies that I have a chance. It implies that there's hope. That people can change their circumstances.

Last day in New Mexico

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It's the end of my full last day in Albuquerque. I really like it here. The people are very friendly, they seem to have accepted me for some strange reason. I got hooked up with just regular cool people and I became aquainted with the local comedy scene. The comedians are funny and they are all supportive.

On this trip my actions made someone cry. I'm a narc for my profession. I caught someone doing something and I narced. I don't know if I can narc anymore. I wish I could travel to places without the narc part. I'm not supposed to bust people, I'm supposed to be getting busted.

Anyways, thank you to the spirit of
New Mexico.

Dead rose alive

/
I was never last but I was never first
this times different in a way
this time someone has lifted the curse
this is the year of a new day
the dead rose has come back to life
I was awake and I remember that
I remember the day we made the alliance
the week that burned all the fat
we played for crowds of fans
we signed paper plates for girls
our radio interview was unplanned
but we were ruling our own world
how was something so perfect then
so much magic made me take a different look
letting go of the concept of sin
and taking the moment to write a new book
I love our book and the spirit inside
this is the way the ancients felt
our time had stopped there wasn't even pride
It was contagious made fear melt
I've got it again and I write this to you
I see inside your gut to something lost
it's just covered but it's as good as new
let's play again it's worth any cost

Unsolicited advice

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When you're not doing well in life people tend to give you a lot of advice. It's usually advice that you didn't ask for. I think it was Todd Glass who said that comedians really can't give other comics advice because essentially all they are doing is telling the other comic how to be more like them. That's only going to fuck the comic up. The comic is on a journey. The first part of the journey is about making people laugh, a lot. The second part is about finding out who they truly are and becoming that person on stage. Even if they are just playing a character it's a character that came from inside themselves. It's something that's coming from the truth within you.

No one knows what's going on inside you. That's a solo expedition. You're on your own. You can get half way successful by following some bullshit path that your parents forced down your throat but true success comes from within. So why the advice? Because people don't like it when other people are getting away with something. "I followed daddy's rules, why isn't he?"

Maybe with some outward labels that say he's winning at the game of life he feels he can tell you what you're doing wrong. Look inside. And keep looking, this is where the gold is, and fuck all the sell outs. Anyone who ignored the inner universe to make daddy happy is no one to listen too.

There is an exception. The reason why most comics can't write jokes for other comics is because they only know their own voice. But there is a special breed of comic that is so aware he can understand your voice and write for it. The thing is you can't work with this guy until you have taken that journey within and discovered your voice. Judd Appatow is one of those guys. Don't take advice from anyone who doesn't have the character and an example of living that you really want. Other than those guys you are better off looking within, like I said there's gold in there.

Something that could

/
Remember when you're alive
try to stay calm
This is the moment you've wanted
it's in your palm
breath in
take a look around
It's so simple
To see what you've found
I have love
From both places
I see God in many faces
A template for life
It can't be seen
It's moments of glory
and the space in between
The nothing
This stuff is good
The nothing is something
It's something that could

Have fun and fail

/
Have fun, and fail. This is the advice I give to myself. In order to be a good comic you have to suck. There's no way around it if you want to be original. You have to take risks and fail. It's humiliating. You have to be humiliated. I've heard Jerry Sienfeld said that 10 percent of his jokes work. That means you have to fail 90% of the time. This is life. In order to do anything you have to suck in the begging. It's no fun to be humiliated. It's no fun sucking, at anything. This where the fun comes in. Have fun failing. One more failure gets you that much closer. Enjoy.

Loose hate and move

/
When you take off loud then the cheers abound
cause the flight looks a little unreal
but the cheers get lost if you fall to the ground
and that's a punch to the gut that you feel
"Don't try again" is the vibe that you get
because they bet you to take them and win
it's a personal thing no one can admit
so you got get up and go again
straight through the eyes that see nothing above
just a loser who's stuck on the ground
but if you loose all the hate just keep the love
then the place that you want can be found

Something wants to bleed

/
Right on the corner
I seem to walk the line
next to the edge
this life that's mine
I'm close to nothing
I don't hold tight
it's my role
it's my personal fight
I've seen the best
slip right away
and I'm this close
to the end of the day
my friends don't look
they bite their tongue
they can't help
there's no song to be sung
it something living
it's living to die
I try to cut it
it doesn't cut but I try
allways with me
I carry the need
to fill the silence
to make something bleed

My best advice is from podcasts

/
So it's been about a year that I've been doing stand up. I'm an open mic-er. I go to the open mic regularly because that's what you're supposed to do if you want to be a stand up comic. I feel like I'm getting the rhythm and more importantly the comfort of being on stage. I have a strong sense that this is something I can do. I also love listening to podcasts by comedians. Some of my favorite comedy podcasts are WTF with Marc Maron, Bill Burr's Monday Mornig Podcast, Fitzdog radio, the Joe Rogan experience, Comedy and Everything Else and Dave Hill's podcasting Incident. I can't get enough of these podcasts. With today's technology I have what feels like personal accsess to today's top comics.

I listen for inspiration, valuable inside information and advice. When ever you are learning a new field it's invaluable to spend time with the pros who just talk shop. I really respect everyone involved in all of the previously mentioned shows. I'm the type of person who gets a lot of unsolicited advice. I get it, my life just looks like I need direction. The worst kind of advice to get is from someone you don't respect.

I recently asked Bill Birr for his advice which he answered on his 2-21-11 MM Podcast. I love that guy and I respect the he'll out of him.

Are you that guy?

/
I'm finding all the words to say
to wait until another day
I'm learning that it's nothing new
it's just a thing that I seem to do
I'm allways looking for the reason why
I started early on why do we die?
The answer was a loss not found
so I tried to keep my feet on the ground
I allways said if I knew I would stay
focused all throughout the day
and the work would be no problem at all
just a mission from the god who would call
but now I seem to know just where to go
and I'm tired so I say I don't know
but now I can't live here next to the lie
so I ask myself are you that guy?

It's my karma

/
It's a hostage situation and I blame my self
I'm the one that got in the car
it might be my fault but there's somebody else
and the anger's running deep and far
it wasn't what you said when we made the deal
now I'm trapped into a world of fire
every time you talk nothing is real
there's a word for that it's called liar
I'm falling again I think it's just the same
as all the other times before
I'm attracted to loosing the game
it's just another lemon feat bore
I went to a girl who read my palm
she said that my karma is pretty bad
but please don't freak just stay calm
I can give you crystals to take away the sad