Relationships make putting a gun to your head sound sweet sometimes. It's fucked up. Relationships are fucked up. Your fucked up. The way you can find that out is by getting in a relationship.
I want to be "James Bond" Duke. I want to be the Duke that's really cool, says and does all the right things and everyone loves. I want to be "Super Duke". "Super Duke" doesn't fuck up or get embarrassed or regret what he did or said. The last thing I want to be is "regular" Duke. "Regular" Duke isn't cool. "Regular" Duke has to do regular things, and just be, well you get the point, "regular".
You know what the fucked up thing is? When you meet that chick for the first time, you get to be "Super Duke." You get to look in that girls eyes and see a reflection of yourself that you never thought you could be. You're funnier, wittier, smarter, handsome, cool and a bunch of other stuff that makes you feel high. That's what it is, it's getting high.
You want to know a universal need? Getting fucking high. Everyone wants to get high and that's a fact. The only thing is some peoples means of getting high is socially unacceptable while others can get high and not be criticized.
Some people like to pick up a drink , some people like to pick up a drunk. The guy that likes to drink, maybe to take the edge off, he's the problem. That's what they say, "Look at that drunk, why does he do it?" But please, everyone just wants to take the edge off. Everyone wants to check out. Some people shop, some fuck, some try to control people, some gamble, some eat, some succeed and some lose. We do all these things to take the edge off, even if it's for fucking 2 seconds!
The bottom line is it's uncomfortable being human!
It's uncomfortable in these bodies. In these heads. We've got brains that don't shut the fuck up and appetites that won't back off, and feelings that keep trying to surface.
"Just give me some cake so I can deal with this disappointment."
"Let me judge that person so I don't have to think about me."
Let me hang out with a fuck up so I can lie to myself and say, "This guy has a problem. Don't look at me, look at that guy. When I get as bad as that identified problem then maybe I'll do something. But I don't have to do anything, because I'm not as bad as him. Now let me go just kind of spend my money irresponsibly."
So you meet this new romantic friend and you get high. It's fucking awesome because none of your problems exist right now. They go away. A new relationship has a way of erasing all of your flaws and your pain. It gets you high and it feels great! You're fixed, you're whole, you're feeling like you know a human being should be feeling!
The only problem is that stupid law of physics that talks about "what goes up has to come down." Someone gives you the one thing you've searched for your entire life. They give you yourself. They give you completion. They give you validation, and the feeling is so authentic that you fall for it hook, line and sinker. You fall deep.
Then the other shoe drops.
The person that gave you the greatest gift in the world begins to renege on the gift. Those fuckers take it away. They might as well rip out your soul. Why not just spit on your face?
That day comes when you look in their eyes and you no longer see "Super Duke". You're no longer the greatest thing that came into their life. Your just, you guessed it, "regular Duke".
You're not a super hero anymore, you've now become that guy that picks his nose and puts the boogers behind the couch. You're that lazy fuck that doesn't follow his dreams. You are now back to everything you feared you might be. All of your worst fears are reflected right back to you through the eyes of this lover. Your heart sinks, but then it begins to fill with anger, rage and resentment.
Relationships are fucking hard and anyone who tells you different isn't in one. They're borderline impossible, it's that fucked up. If you want to survive a relationship and live to tell about it you need to go deep down inside yourself. You need to visit dark places, places you don't want to go and you have to face demons. It's no longer about that other person it's about you. Do you have real balls? Do you have what it takes to face the hidden parts in you that never want to see the light of day?
Sometimes being in a relationship is about being alone. Alone with yourself, the worst parts of yourself. The parts you never wanted to even acknowledge their existence. Parts that you didn't know existed.
It's this relationship partner that holds up the mirror. They show you the ugliness that is you. Do you have the guts to deal with this person. This is real shit. You can't get this when you move from person to person. You also can't get to the other side if you just ignore it.
You can ignore all that scary stuff and hide in the basement for the next thirty years working on your wood carvings. These guys are dead men walking. You can adapt to a long term relationship by killing off the man you could be. You could be a shell of yourself. Or you can walk through some fucked up shit. Maybe you'll even find a "regular Duke" that's actually a pretty cool guy.
I just hope today I can walk through this mess of Duke.