Screaming no
I don’t want to grow
I want to hold on
I can’t let go
Feverishly scrambling
My knuckles are white
Foolishly gambling
Loosing my sight
Of anything straight
To pull me back
Gripping the hate
Feeling the lack
Of what’s missing
Inside my gut
Like a tire hissing
From the nail cut
A random act
From driving blind
Losing tact
Of any kind
To hunt me
Through my running mind
Stunt free
I alone perform
The invisible crowd
Watch me adorn
Out loud
Holding for nothing
Waiting for no one
The mirage seems close
I can taste it
So simple
My vision is tricky
My glasses see glimpses
Your acquaintances roll
An opinion is my mistake
An interpretation of something intangible
Like a field of traveling birds
They’ve never been the same as the day
It’s a backwards trial
I can feel my profile
In some third person view
I see myself like a mirror
It’s my mirage
That’s behind your eyes
It’s all been erased
I was awake but I went back to sleep
I stepped into everything
I breathed in the world
I became the world
I overcame the world
And nothing was everything
And nothing was undone
Just like the book
And this universe of everything split
And it splintered
It shattered
And I’ve forgotten it all
But sometimes I see flashes
Glimpses of the erased
You thought I was joking
You thought this couldn’t be real
You thought embarrassing thoughts
Of you
But I was sincere
I wear my heart on my skin
To touch me is a painful and thrilling experience
And when I touch you your eyes open
And the world stops
You feel each breath
While you disappear into the world and the world disappears into you
All is all
Don’t turn around
That’s when it’s over
You’ve been instructed
Don’t look behind you
It has been destroyed
And if you look you too will be destroyed
I won’t wait for your destruction
I will disappear into the universe
As one
Living sincerely
Gently awaking
It’s a combination
A sense of Direction
And a sense of the Gods
How am I here?
I have changed
I am becoming present
But within an illusion
And what seemed to be a dream
Is something I can touch
And what seemed to be real is fading
Strange
Stranger
How am I Standing?
How is this real?
But it is.
I feel like I can see
And I absorb the suffering
And watch it transform
It’s so weird
And I’m weird
But something has gotten into me
And I’m different
Squinting
My eyes hurt
It’s difficult to focus
Not sure what’s happening
What’s happened
What’s real
Nothing?
Could be
Everything feels surreal
Fantasy
Dreams
Story
Skipping pages
Choosing nonsense
I feel lighter
Almost like I could float
But I know that’s silly
How is this real?
It’s not
I think I’m OK with that…
Like something bad might happen
And my only reason is good
I duck
And get hit on the way up
Looking over
Looking back
Why never?
My life
That’s your answer shorty
You can know
But you don’t really
There is no know
That’s all there is
I just want to laugh
With friends
But the yelling is so awkward
Why yell at me?
That’s the funny part
And that’s why tonight we laugh
It hurts right now
This pain comes and goes
It’s back right now
It’s all the food
It’s all the sugar
It’s the thoughts
Like compounded interest
But with thoughts
Of what could go wrong
A lot.
it’s the lack of good sleep
It’s the failure
The magnifying glass is on the failure
I don’t remember the winning
Am I on the wrong team?
Where’s the coach?
The light hurts me
And that’s the good stuff
Some things are easy for me
And this is one of them
But this is nothing
Therefore nothing is easy for me
Wouldn’t it be nice if I could jump into this?
Jump into this pool of nothing
And swim in the words of nonsense
That’s what my inner being has become
Nonsensical
And it’s this nonsense that can take me places?
Relying on nonsense seems impractical
But I suppose others have done it
Give me something to jump into
Give me nothing
I don’t know the reason
And that’s what bugs me
It’s this nagging feeling
Like I’m a puzzle with a missing piece
Its like a screenplay without a theme
Thats me
I’m without a theme
Critics who worry about fake perfection
Have no worries here
I’m your slumming
You feel better with me
Because at least your not that bad
I’m hidden from talent
It’s there
But it’s really hidden
Maybe hidden in plain site
I love when you discover the answer was right in front of you
I’m not currently loving it
Because I see no answer
And I have no theme
A theme is like the gas in the engine
My car is running on fumes
I just need some gas
Can I borrow some from you?
A car with gas goes much faster than one without
One day I see myself going fast
But for now I can’t see the theme
It’s too much
I’m paralyzed
I’m trapped
Help me
I scream to the sky
Where am I?
It’s been years
I’m still in the circle
Under the pile of ambition
And I can’t move
The computer won’t update
Its frozen
My thoughts are not even my thoughts anymore
It’s all others
The weight is too much
Give me a canvas
Restart my mind
I need true blankness
The sun is nice at the moment
I’m waiting for the truck
The truck takes me nowhere
But the idea of the truck is sweet
It’s this type of niceness in my mind
It’s like a lifelong journey in a labyrinth
And sometimes I make it to a dead end
The dead end is similar to perfect
Almost like what I’ve always wanted
I guess I can’t live with almost
That word is sort of painful
And to me that’s the truck
But the sun still feels good
You are the most beautiful
So soft
I love to touch
So good looking
That’s important
Yet you complain
It’s never good enough
You want more
Yet you have so much
You are so safe
Yet you are bored
You want to taste the danger
The World
Do I let you see what can’t be unseen?
I don’t want you to change
Except for your complaining
And that only comes from the fear
And that’s what’s outside
The introspection of failure
It’s not for everyone
God knows I try to avoid it
It’s the trying that kills me
i just keep trying
It’s so painful to try
The wound is the source
And I keep the source open
I won’t heal from this
Not in the way I’d like
But nothing good ever comes in the form I like
Why my stomach?
its just uneasy
I wake up this way
The dreams slip so quickly
The pressure stays
People yell at me
I’m walking blind
Is it possible to not know you’re blind?
I don’t see the same things
Something is missing
How can the others see these things?
It’s complicated
Even more so this morning
Now it’s more of a haze
i still don’t understand much of anything
I look at you in awe
You are another being
Not human
Not my type
I’m still in the clouds
Or is it the dust?
I don’t see clearly
It’s complicated
And that’s what slows me down
Headache
need water. Have to pee. Fuck. Headache.
coffee.
bar
kids
sunglasses
internet
news
not great for me. Where’s the writing? Where’s the music? It’s just words. I’m getting overloaded. I don’t even want music. But I need it. Do I force feed myself? Hold myself down? Force my mouth open and pour a bottle of notes down my throat?
”Get in the car!”
addiction? Who knows? We’re not really talking. But we’re together.
“Later dude. I love you.”
nothing
starbucks.
we don’t buy anything. We just steal space. The prime seats.
J- cray is there. He reads with us.
im on my phone. More words. I like the drama words. Who doesn’t? I guess it’s the best story that gets us.
a homeless man says something to me.
”he’ll never be alone”
me - “what?”
homeless man, “he’ll never be alone. You teach him to read like that. With a book. He’ll never be lonely”
is that true? I suppose if anyone knows it’s this guy.
”let’s go boys”
ive got the shades back on. Driving the van like a suburban gangster. Kids talk about videos games. Some new level. A kid got the raid rocket launcher. My boy lights up every time the game destiny 2 becomes a topic of conversation. It’s like he’s alive.
the one thing that breathes life into him and I want to squash it. Screw that. I won’t.
”later guys. I love you.”
”love you dad”
yes I got it. I worked years for that.
im home.
the wife is getting back on track.
We walk. The hood. Dana Point. I’m one of the freeest prisoners in Dana Point.
im getting focused too. My head is like a jazz poet in the 50’s. I’m rattling off my thoughts without getting lost. It’s like a memorized preamble.
Strength and health. Safe and protected. Happy. Peace of mind. Rich. Abundance. Funny as fuck. People feel good. I feel good. Love abounds. It’s my wish. The universe provides.
im a professional comedian. Both channels have 10 million subscribers.
im a world traveler.
its all first class baby. It’s fun. I’m alive.
we get home and put 20 minutes of intensity together. I’m gonna get back in shape.
Obamacare.
Frustration.
i think I figured it out.
a mind break.
film Tim. Mind trapped. On the brink. Friends on my phone.
Back home.
soup.
maybe a song on guitar.
kids are back.
popcorn.
a call from an old friend. A couple of those.
its spaghetti night at school.
what about Bjj? Screw it.
im eating pasta. And Hawaiian bread! Oh shit. Diet tomorrow. I’m flying off the handle.
ive got my arm around Lesley.
popsicles. Lesley’s pasta. More bread!
Lesley needs Indian food. Stone doesn’t want to leave. Fine.
me and Lesley get the Indian food alone.
Skating on darkness
passing ghosts
and sleeping walkers
who were friends
they are friends
if I could wake them up
i was sleeping too
sometines I need a nap
I'm like Deniro in that Lavern movie
the people around me awake when I do
its sad when we have to leave
its gonna work this time though
i can sense this
I'm gonna wake up everyone
They both seem real
almost like they're me
I'm relating
confidence to overcome
frightened to leave the house
its hits like a brick to the head
brain damage
6 months or more to repair
how much damage before the permanence?
there is none
the dream
i watch
scattered
ghosts
i will run
i will stretch into a pretzel
confidence regained
hold to me
cling to me
grasp
either way as if I'm real
but I am
so I move
its beautiful sometimes
creating
its always creating
like me
love me
my insides scream for silence
black
then I'm thrown in the ring
I am strong
i have my weathered belt
my leathered skin protects
my heart opens
I have the beam
Why do I think of you?
you have a harsh way
like an out of tune tumpet
next to the drum of my ear
do you know?
you act like you know
but you're left cold
left behind
isnt that why you're scared?
your motivation
do you feel good up front?
i think you're behind
I can't look at those eyes
they're a mirror
mill just leave