Yesterday

Headache

need water. Have to pee. Fuck. Headache. 

coffee. 

bar

kids

sunglasses

internet

email

news

not great for me. Where’s the writing? Where’s the music? It’s just words. I’m getting overloaded. I don’t even want music. But I need it. Do I force feed myself? Hold myself down? Force my mouth open and pour a bottle of notes down my throat? 

 

”Get in the car!”

addiction? Who knows? We’re not really talking. But we’re together. 

“Later dude. I love you.” 

nothing

starbucks. 

we don’t buy anything. We just steal space. The prime seats.  

J- cray is there. He reads with us. 

im on my phone. More words. I like the drama words. Who doesn’t? I guess it’s the best story that gets us. 

a homeless man says something to me. 

”he’ll never be alone” 

me - “what?” 

homeless man, “he’ll never be alone. You teach him to read like that. With a book. He’ll never be lonely” 

is that true? I suppose if anyone knows it’s this guy. 

”let’s go boys” 

ive got the shades back on. Driving the van like a suburban gangster. Kids talk about videos games. Some new level. A kid got the raid rocket launcher. My boy lights up every time the game destiny 2 becomes a topic of conversation. It’s like he’s alive. 

the one thing that breathes life into him and I want to squash it. Screw that. I won’t. 

 ”later guys. I love you.”

”love you dad”

yes I got it. I worked years for that. 

im home. 

the wife is getting back on track. 

We walk. The hood. Dana Point. I’m one of the freeest prisoners in Dana Point. 

im getting focused too. My head is like a jazz poet in the 50’s. I’m rattling off my thoughts without getting lost. It’s like a memorized preamble.  

Strength and health. Safe and protected. Happy. Peace of mind. Rich. Abundance. Funny as fuck. People feel good. I feel good. Love abounds. It’s my wish. The universe provides. 

im a professional comedian. Both channels have 10 million subscribers. 

im a world traveler. 

its all first class baby. It’s fun. I’m alive. 

we get home and put 20 minutes of intensity together. I’m gonna get back in shape.  

Obamacare.  

Frustration. 

i think I figured it out. 

a mind break. 

film Tim. Mind trapped. On the brink. Friends on my phone.

Back home. 

soup. 

maybe a song on guitar. 

kids are back. 

popcorn. 

a call from an old friend. A couple of those. 

its spaghetti night at school. 

what about Bjj? Screw it. 

im eating pasta. And Hawaiian bread! Oh shit. Diet tomorrow. I’m flying off the handle. 

ive got my arm around Lesley.

popsicles. Lesley’s pasta. More bread!  

Lesley needs Indian food. Stone doesn’t want to leave. Fine.

me and Lesley get the Indian food alone.  

More Duke's

They both seem real

almost like they're me

I'm relating

confidence to overcome

frightened to leave the house

its hits like a brick to the head

brain damage

6 months or more to repair

how much damage before the permanence?

there is none

the dream

i watch

scattered

ghosts

i will run

i will stretch into a pretzel  

confidence regained

hold to me

cling to me

grasp

either way as if I'm real

but I am

so I move

its beautiful sometimes

creating

its always creating

like me

love me

my insides scream for silence

black

then I'm thrown in the ring

I am strong

i have my weathered belt

my leathered skin protects

my heart opens

I have the beam

Meditation - the pyramid

Is there awareness? 

where is it? 

how strong is it? 

am I aware that I'm seeing right now? 

was I aware that I was seeing before I asked myself if I'm aware I'm seeing? 

sounds

my feet are touching the floor

my sit bones rest on this chair

I'm breathing

a thought

a movie

I remember again and I am aware

for a moment

think of it like a pyramid  

the bottom is the support

it must be strong first

it is my body

touch, sight, sound, taste and smell  

how strong is the awareness? 

where is it? 

now build a side

thoughts

be aware

catch yourself in thought

then remember

bring awareness to it

it probably disappeared  

thoughts enjoy the darkness

awareness is light

thoughts scamper in the light

then there's the ghost thoughts

remember to be aware

now for the third side

emotions

become aware

be present  

feel it

the pyramid is complete

throughout the day remember  

to become aware

 

Free

I used to say, "Free is my favorite price." 

But now I can't think of anything more costly. 

Many things are like this. 

Things that sound good at first listen. 

I get tangled up. 

I don't notice at first. 

But they are there. 

Tying me down. 

I can't see them with my eyes. 

I'm blind with ambition. 

But I've tripped. 

Now I don't move. 

I'm lost. 

In your strings.

Next time I'll pay. 

Gladly. 

Waiting for something

I've seen others in that place
But now I feel myself there
It's like I'm high
And I want to go down
It's an anxious waiting feeling
I sense something building
But I don't want to trip
I don't want to dissolve
I want the door that enters into
The place where dreams are made
I know it's not a pretty place
But I want in this room
I want to disappear in this room
I want to hide there
I'm too vulnerable out here
I'm waiting and am holding on
That's part of the thing
You can't go anywhere if you don't let go
I guess I'm a little scared
That I'll vanish

Not by choice

I can't sleep
I know this feeling
There's a storm coming
My insides are twisting
I say I want peace
Am I a liar?
I want to win
But the victory is transparent 
What am I?
This dream
It's like I keep waking up
I like sleep
But it scares me
I've seen god
He wasn't there 
The hills are gone
It's a desert
The man is a ghost 
I'm not here
Not usually 
The separation kills me
I'm choking
My neck 
I feel it there
I'm weak with strength
I want you
The beauty of the song
It haunts me
My love terrifies me
My heart is smashed
And glued
I won't leave
Not on my own accord

River

I wrote songs
Something new
From the sphere
The warmth
I'm returning 
But there's a strange feeling
In my neck
I'm choking
Just the feeling
I used to feel this as a child
I'm clearing the way
But as I do this comes to me
It's funny now
It doesn't bother me
I used to freeze
To shake
To squirm
But now I'm just present
Without judgement 
I don't want to be bad
I'm attracted to the warm
The circle
In my body
Where am I in my body?
Do you know?
The music is returning
It's also strange
It's a river
That's what I heard
I think I'm there