Up or down?

I have thoughts in my head that are socially unacceptable. They just pop into my head. It's not me, I swear. Yet if I mention these thoughts I get gang thumped with dissaproval. My head loves to beat me up. In the same breath it also tells me I can do great things. Maybe the great things thought comes first then the dissaproving hammer slams down and crushes all.

The first crazy thoughts were,"Wouldn't it be funny of I smashed this car battery on my wife's head?" please keep in mind that this was just some thought, I don't want to smash my wife with anything other than a smashing kiss. Then there's the thought,"Wow look at that baby on the stroller. I wonder what would happen of I dumped this hot coffee in his face?". It was just a thought people, calm down.

One thing I learned is that I'm not responsible for the first thought that pops into my head but I am responsible for entertaining it thereafter.

My mind will think something and then all of a sudden I'll hear,"I hate you Duke. I hate you Duke. I hate you Duke!". Another one that sounds freakier than it is, so please don't freak out, is this: whenever my mind thinks of something stupid I said or maybe immediately after I say something out loud that my mind deems unapropriate I'll hear this thought saying,"I want to stab myself. I want to stab myself."

Okay so far we've learned I have problems. When you put yourself out into the world creatively you open yourself up to be uncomfortable. I've been very uncomfortable because I've been following my creativity.

One cool thing I've experience after dedicating myself and adhering to a discipline is that I've started to connect with something bigger than myself. I've had a thought recently that said,"Theres no longer a reason to beat yourself up. You have your own greatness inside and you're starting to get close to it. You can stand tall with yourself if you want." This has been a freeing thought and I hope to follow this path.