Loosing your mind!

This is the topic I gave myself? Loosing my mind? That's what jumped out at me. First thought best thought, right?

I'm getting crazier and crazier. Do I want to keep going down this path or will I make a u-turn and head back towards sanity?

Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck everything. Fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck! All work and no play makes jack a dull boy.

The talking in my head gets so loud sometimes that I start talking out loud. I'll start mumbling and then I'll say, "I wish I would stab myself." Is it weird if you think of something stupid you said or did and then your mind starts saying that you should stab yourself? I get this sentence coming at me a lot lately.

The older you get the more suicide seems like an option. I remember thinking how I would never think of such a thing.

Don't worry I don't have any specific plan or real intention to carry this out but the thought does occur to me. It sounds so pathetic too. Thoughts like, "The world would be better off with out me" or "Things are definitely not going to get better it might be a good idea to swerve into oncoming traffic."

Is it so bad to talk about this stuff. It sounds pretty silly now that I'm mentioning it. It's those thoughts that are too frightening to verbalize or write down that can really fuck you over. How many people have dark thoughts that they don't even want to acknowledge to not only other people but even themselves?

"I don't have dark thoughts." They declare in there inner dialogue and they are probably the hardest to judge those that do talk about that kind of thing.

I'm fucked in the stomach right now. Major turmoil. Major artistic crisis. Fuck!!!!!!!!!

My head is restless. I have know idea where I am or where I'm headed. What am I a new school skater. That was the complaint from my mentor about new school skating. Their skate boards go in both directions. They don't have a direction.

I always thought that just because they can go both ways doesn't mean they don't have a direction. The direction is up to the skater. Not what society tells him.

What the fuck am I talking about? What's my direction?

You have to know what you want before you can choose a direction.

A skater picks his move and that determines his direction? Maybe.

What's my move? What move do I think I can pull off. I'm lost in the desert. For forty years. Is my time here almost done. Is there a new reality awaiting me?

I'm talking about one here on this dust ball.

Am I too much of a pussy to admit what I want?

I think I am.