More of nothing

No need to read this! Unless you love Duke.

I'm writing to write today. My brain is stuck. My life is stuck. How do I get it unstuck? The million dollar question.

I've done 90 days to a beach body a couple different times in my life. I had turned thirty and I was depressed. I was a nobody. I had such high hopes for myself and I felt that I had slept my life away for many of the previous years. So many years wasted on the couch in front of the TV. I was thirty with nothing to show for it. My dreams all failed and I was crushed. I saw two infomercials, Tony Robbins and the P90X.

I ordered both.

The P90x made my body more sore than I had ever been in my life. I was completely out of shape. But when I start something I will finish it, many times something that shouldn't be finished. Luckily this start something till you finish it quality I possess was working for me in this area of my life. After week one I wanted to quit, week two I wanted to quit, week 3 and 4 was the same thing. I kept doing it even though my brain was giving me every plausible excuse in the book not to. Even when I thought it was doing nothing I did it. After the first month I began to see some results. I had a little more motivation.

Still my mind would mind fuck me and try to get me to quit. I ignored my mind and went through with it. Eventually it began to feel good. Eventually I was getting great results and I was feeling stronger than I ever had before.

I guess what I'm trying to do is paint an analogy for myself that will encourage me to keep writing because my brain is beating myself up right now. I'm hearing self talk about how I'm not that good of a writer and that I'm not that good at anything.

Fuck you voice. Fuck you, and damn you to hell!

I love these theories that I keep in my brain that I haven't experienced yet but somehow believe to be true. The theory here being: If you are a half way decent writer and you just commit yourself to writing everyday then magic will happen. If you write every day then inspiration will kick in. You don't have to worry about writing great things you just need to focus on writing. Just write and don't worry about the results. Let writing be the pleasure.

I actually am feeling better right now. The act of writing is making me feel better. I want to do things that truly make me feel good. Not the kind of fleeting good feeling that comes from instant gratification but the good feeling that sticks with you. I want the feeling that comes after three months of hard work and you are now in great physical shape. Or the healthy feeling you get after eating well.

Or maybe the good feeling you get after writing.

Let writing be the goal. Let writing be the obsession. Let writing be the fix.