Holding on for life

Some people can only get "good" for certain lengths of time. They're just wired that way. They're wired to fuck up. There's family dynamics at work; you've probably heard of the identified problem or the black sheep. I've been both. Then there's the Golden child. The one that can do no wrong. The savior. I've been that one too.

I'm an only child from a broken family. Just me and Mom, but Mom is mostly at work. So our little family has to work in the "identified problem", "Savior", "Victim", "Persecutor" and all the other roles into a family of two. I take on most of the roles at different times. My mom is mostly victim and worrier.

I have the deep seeded need to fuck up. I don't outwardly want to fuck up I'm just born with it embedded into my psyche. I want to be good. Being a fuck up is kind of like being gay. You want to be straight but you just love guys. You're born that way. The choice is easy. It's so easy for me to pick "fuck up". There's something fun about it; it's like I feel love when I'm fucking up. I feel alive when I'm fucking up.

When I'm good I feel numb. After a while feeling bad is better than feeling nothing at all. You can only try to be good for so long, if you're like me, before tearing the roof over your head. People like me have a knack for pulling the roof down at the perfect time too. Usually the time that's most inappropriate for ourselves and the people around us.

I guess I'm just trying to hold on. I'm holding on for my life; it seems that every time you open your eyes in this life something you thought was grounding you slips away. Maybe that's the reason for the "fuck up kid". When I see something vanishing I smash it in an inappropriate way so people can tell me that it exists.

If you see too much you end up seeing an unbalancing amount of perception and getting any reaction from the other patrons of this ride can bring you back. I think I need a shaman. That would be more appropriate, but then they're just fuck ups too, just like yoga teachers.

I'm holding on. I'm searching. At least I can say I'm searching; people who are searching are the best although not always firmly grounded.

Hold on people. Hold on.