The pain is forcing me

I seem to have built a high tolerance to the pain of life. The level that the human body can become uncomfortable before attempting to make a change is staggering. I've seen this level, I've lived it, I do liVe it. I've been so uncomfortable with emotions that the need to make a change has slammed me like a brick to the head. I had to tap out. My current pain is anxiety. Not your normal twists in the stomache which I could have taken for years but signals from the brain that are literally telling my body it's going to die. I can walk this earth for only so long while my body thinks it's dying until I finally have to do something.

The lucky thing for me is that I've become at least a little sophisticated towards the solution. When I was younger and had religion controlling my thought process I was sure that God was punishing me. Actually worse than that I thought that Satan was attacking me. Either way I was being punished. The solution was church, Jesus, and good behavior. I could never keep it up. I asked Jesus to be my savior more than once to make sure I was doing it right. Still the anxiety persisted and I was unable to stay good for too long of a time.

As I got older the anxiety increased as did the stress of life. My brain attempted to find some type of a logical answer. When I would have panic attacks my mind would try to figure out exactly what I was doing, saying or thinking at the time of the attack and then attempt to never do that again. One time I had that song "from a distance" in my head and was singing it when an attack hit me, to this day when I hear that song or even the word "distance" I associate it with a panic attack. I had an attack walking by a tennis court one time and I avoided tennis courts for months. I was walking when I had an attack one time and the attack hit when my heal touched the ground. I tried to not walk with my heel touching the ground after that.

One thing I realized is that my mind wasn't helping. I needed to attack the problem from all fronts. There was no one answer. I've researched the solution and I know it. It's just a lot of work and I've been reluctant to do the work until now. Now I'm in.

Here's what I'm in for as of now:

1. Muscle relaxation technique.

2. Writing everyday.

3. Yoga everyday.

4. Healthy diet.

The muscle relaxation is the latest to be added to the list. The ones that remain to be added are:

1. Meditation

2. Cardio exercise

3. Expressing my feelings

4. Being assertive

There's probably many more to add to the list and many ways I can improve on what I'm already doing. The point is at least I'm working towards it. Life has a way of motivating you with the carrot and the stick. I allways seem to need the stick in order to get me moving but experience has taught me that a little bit of movement can start momentum. Hopefully the momentum will begin to propell my life forward rather than the pain.

Lesson learned: Hard way = No fun...The way of love is work but way more fun in the end.