Today 16 years ago

It was before thanksgiving. I was a mess and my head was fucked up worse than usual. In my mind I blew my chance at happiness. My dad died when I was 12 from a heart attack. Everyone told me it was from alcoholism. I had a strong feeling that I was on the same path. My mind was getting increasing worse every time my anxiety disorder kicked in. Religion fucked with my mind. My mom was a worry wart. "It's a dangerous world out there" was her mantra. That sentiment had crept into my being. I didn't see the point in anything. I was completely lost. This was the day of the decision.

They say if there are three frogs on a log and one makes a decision to jump off, how many are left? There's still three. A decision doesn't mean shit unless followed up with an action. That's where I was. On the log with a decision, before thanksgiving. My thought was, "Right after the holidays."

I proceeded to drink with friends and tell them I'm quitting. Holidays came and went. I told too many people it was over. I had to try.

I went up to SF for one last try. Jan 7th. It was a late night, hard alcohol was involved. So was a video camera but I can't tell you where that footage is now. Jan 8th I was still drunk. Weird dreams and cold sweats that night. Jan. 9th, 1995 was my first day sober. 16 years ago today.

In the last 16 years I've gained enlightenment and lost it a few times over. I've had times sober much worse than anything while drinking, but it's because I have to be present. I have to be conscious within a life that doesn't go my way all the time. But I have seen beauty that I believe I would never have seen had I not took this path. Two wonderful little boys and an incredibly amazing and beautiful wife. I also have a soul. I've been given many opportunities to nourish it. Sometimes I've ignored these opportunities and the pain was slow but eventually overriding. Above all I believe I must nourish this soul to be an example to those around me. To be an example that nourishes others.

This is my path today.