Free will (Is it really free?)

Free will or choice. Anybody who wants to appear normal will tell you we have free will. It's an accepted fact amongst the people. I bought into the whole free will thing. All it did was give me panic attacks. Some people who believe in God must not completely believe in free will because their God steps in to help make everything work out. But not even those people can agree on how much power God has. Some of them say God's will is from the clouds up, he just juggles all the stars while man handles everything from the clouds down. Then others say that God handles all the big problems and man gets to engage in the small stuff. I guess it's like God at the steering wheel, he's not gonna let you drive the car but he'll let you mess with the stereo every now and then.

I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to know the answer about free will or choice. I definitely won't know the answer about God's will unless he speaks directly to me and that hasn't happened yet. So when I came to the conclusion that I'll never know the truth, what did I say? Fuck the truth.

I decided it was all God's will. Everything. The good and the bad. It was all him. Actions, thoughts, the whole shebang. The result was a relief. I didn't have to carry the world and it's problems on my shoulders. I was able to let that go. I was able to let go figuring out stuff. I was also able to let go of beating myself up. I've always been the type to carry around a lot of blame and regret. But not anymore, that wasn't me fucking up, that was God. I lost the shame.

On the other side of that coin I also couldn't take credit. I went for that "Of myself I am nothing, the father does the works" thing. It was cool.


I woke up 15 years later with no home and no money and no job. It's hard to keep the story going. Maybe there's both. Can both free will and choice exist at the same time? Can I move from world to world? Or do I need to choose one?

Thsi is my question.