The rainbow of the soul

I don't know what's wrong with me, all that I know is I'm pretty sure something's wrong. It's like I'm driving a car with some major blind spots. I keep moving forward but there's some shit I'm doing that's fucked up and I can't even tell you what it is because my car has all kinds of areas that block my view. I'm the guy that steps off the airplane with no luggage. You look at me and think, "Wow this guy travels light." But then you go down to luggage and I've got 20 suit cases with my name on it. The funny thing is I didn't even know I brought anything. I guess in this analogy maybe my parents packed a bunch of crap for me to carry around.

I had another humiliating rock bottom the other day. I'm falling apart. I hate my job (there's nothing new there). It's suffocating me and paralyzing me with fear. I'm looking for new work but can't find anything. I'm trying to get in at a supermarket and it just feels degrading. I walk in there every few days to check in on my resume and the answer has been the same, "We're not hiring now." I'm loosing it. I have friends who are starting to make money again. I asked them for a job and they laughed at me. Said I don't really want a job I just want to follow some dream. And by the way it's a dream that they are more then happy to get there hands into just in case it happens.

My friend told me about how they were joking about my job request after I left. I'm at the lowest point in my life right now. I had to get off the phone. I felt like I was not only completely alone but like the biggest fuck up in the world. I started crying, I had to pull the van over. As I was sobbing I was screaming fuck you to all my friends and anyone in my little world. Then I started to curse out God. "Fuck you God!" And then I started proclaiming that there is no God and were all just fucked. Mostly it's me who's fucked because all I'm thinking about is myself at this point.

When I was in New Mexico I picked up a book for my wife filled with Native American sayings. The saying on the cover was "If it weren't for the tears of the eyes there would be no rainbow for the soul." I'm not usually a crier. I've gone over ten years without shedding a tear, but these last few years I've completely broke down twice.

I'm hoping for my rainbow. I feel crazy. There's also another quote I like and it goes something like this "It is no sign of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." For some reason this quote seems to resonate with me. I don't want to give in to the brainwashing and do what everyone else is doing. I want to be able to listen to my intuition. I want the inside to match the outside. I don't want to try to mask the inside with the outer. I don't want to hide who I am. I just want to be who I am. I want to be able to live as myself and not have to conform to some sick society. That's it.

Now I'll just bask in the rainbow of my soul.