The Snoop

I work for a company that seems like it's ran by a crack addict.  What I mean by that is everyone seems to be paranoid.  My job is to watch someone and then report to the corporate office if they mess up.  Then there's someone in the office who's job is to watch me and then make a report when I mess up.  I imagine there's someone watching that guy because one time he admitted to me that he was afraid his boss was spying on him through a camera in his computer.

The whole company is constantly walking on eggshells because you never know when someone is going to report you.  I imagine the owner of the company sits in his office with TV screens everywhere, and he watches everyone, as he pets a hairless kitten who sits on his lap.

What I'm trying to say is, my job stresses me out.  So I better not screw around, I better start spying on people and telling on them if I ever want to relax.

I get to travel for my job.  I've spied on people in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, Tennessee...all the fly over states.  Those are the states in the middle that everyone flies over when they're going someplace good.

I'm an aspiring comedian, so one perk of the job is that I get to perform comedy in different states at night.  I got this job in Albuquerque, New Mexico one time and I looked online to find the local comedy scene.  I went to a couple open mics and made new comedy friends.

My job was scheduled to last for ten days.  When I was in my hotel room, flipping through the channels at midnight I stumbled across a local channel that was airing a comedy show.  I googled the name of the show and sent them an email with my info...turns out they liked me and had room for one more act the following Saturday, which was 6 days away. My job was scheduled to go another 7 days so I was booked on a local TV show that aired throughout New Mexico and Colorado.

I work for a marketing company that puts advertising door-hangers on peoples front doors for people like K-mart and Target.  I honestly hate the job.  I feel like we're littering on peoples houses.

There's a driver and 8 walkers who distribute the door hangers and it's my job to make sure they don't throw them away.  It's basically my job to make sure that we put our litter on peoples homes and not in the garbage.

Like I said, my company is paranoid.  And when you're paranoid you need to spy on people.  So we give the driver a GPS phone so I can know where he is at all times.  I also have a gps phone so the office can watch me and each of the 8 walkers has a gps clicker that they are supposed to click everytime they deliver a flyer (Or litter on someone's house), however you look at it.

To be honest, I don't spy on people that hard, it just doesn't matter to me.  I'm usually just driving around the area listening to podcasts and thinking about where I'm going to eat lunch.

This particular job was different.  The crew I was watching were delivering 10,000 doorhangers a day.  This gut was telling me that something was fishy, these guys weren't good enough to deliver that much in a day.  Usually I wouldn't really care but at this rate the job was going to end early, and I wasn't going to be able to perform on TV!  That's BS, no one takes away TV time from me.

I started actually doing my job.  The thought occurred to me "If you want to catch a criminal, you have to think like a criminal."  For some reason I like to think like a criminal.  If I were these guys who had to deliver the door-hangers I would want to throw them out too.  I wanted to bust these guys, not because I disagreed with what they were doing but because I had a gig to get to.  I guess I'm just motivated when my comedy gig's are threatened.

The driver would drop off the walkers far apart from each other so it was hard for me to catch them dumping.  But I put my mind to it...I started watching the GPS of the van on my laptop and when it came to a stop I would write down the address.

Finally I went to where the van had stopped and I couldn't see any door-hangers on any homes and the walkers were nowhere to be seen.  I drove around the block for fifteen minutes until I finally spotted the walkers starting to hang door-hangers at the original address I was looking to find them.  Something was up.  What were these guys doing for fifteen minutes.  I started combing the dumpsters in the area until I hit the jackpot, over 600 door-hangers under some trash.

I took pictures of the dumpster for evidence, sent an incident report to corporate, and waited for the driver to meet me.  The driver was a big man, he became very upset...started yelling and cursing.  Suddenly I wasn't feeling like I was in a safe place.  I started walking backwards as he yelled at one of the walkers who were denying it.  Apparently what happens is I send in my report, the guy at my office yells at someone from his office, the guy from that office yells at the driver and then the driver yells at the walker and fires him.

The driver told me it wouldn't happen again, but the next day I found another dumpster filled with door-hangers.  Same thing.  I tell on him, my office yells at his office, his office yells at him, he fires another walker and then this time this big, scary driver, starts crying.

Their production level became way slower.  Two people got fired and at least one person cried, all because I did my job.  The good news is I got on local TV!

The end